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Hello! Before you start yelling, "WHERE ARE THE TWINS? WE CAME HERE FOR THE TWINS' RECAP, NOT SOME RANDOM PERSON", please know that the twins are absolutely fine. I have not taken them hostage, and instead they are in the middle of the Northern Territory with no access to wi-fi, which means they can't do the recap today. I know it's disappointing - it's like coming to watch a musical, only to find the star has had an accident and the understudy is on stage instead. But, fear not, the twins have had no accident and will be back recapping the next episode on Sunday.

Now, on with the show!

We open with upbeat music, so we know everything is going to end horribly.

For some reason we're STILL here at this retreat and all we want to do is go to the dinner party so we can see who yells at who.

Domenica, husband Jack, and bestie Ella sit around talking about how terrible Olivia is and how Jackson is finally starting to see his wife's true colours. 

Cue a very subtle scene change to a close in shot of Jackson and Olivia in bed together. Jackson can't believe how nasty Olivia was last night. Olivia can't believe Jackson can't believe how nasty she was. 

"I think I gave you plenty of warning that that's what I'm like," she tells her husband. Then she bursts into tears, calls Domenica "white trash" again, and cries some more.

"Nobody likes me!"  

Elsewhere, Kate and Matt are finally in bed together. "I don't want to leave this place," Matt says. 

But WE do, Matt. WE do.

Thankfully, the producers decide they can't waste any more money hiring this retreat AirBnb and everyone begins packing. As they leave, Ella sums it up best: "I feel like the boys had a boys' trip. And the girls had a girls' gone f**king mental trip."

With that, we are back to normal life in the Sydney suites. Thank god. That was the worst retreat ever. I give it half a star. The half is for the time Al did his worm dance and jumped into the pond.

Two seconds after walking into her suite, Carolina is getting ready to meet divorced Daniel. 

She compliments Daniel on his tan and his powerful arms. He flexes. They giggle and flirt and whisper sweet nothings. Then they kiss for ages in a dark stairway with the camera person standing at the top, watching and wondering how their life came to this.

Seriously, how long did the camera person have to film this for?   

Kate and Matt's relationship has progressed so much that it is right back to the start again - AKA Kate hates Matt's guts. Apparently Matt went and had himself a few too many beers the night before.

"We're 38," Kate says. "I'm too old."

I feel you, Kate.  

As the couples get dressed for the dinner party, relationship expert John Aiken tells us that "this dinner party tonight is the first time our couples will all come together as a group after the retreat." Thanks, John! Ever so helpful. What would we do without you to explain things that are blatantly obvious. 

Tamara and Brent are now living in separate apartments because Brent bought Tamara flowers. Okay, there's more to the story than that but seriously this storyline is so boring. Please, just break up already.

Olivia has had a few days to pause and reflect on what happened at the retreat. So of course this means she is angrier than ever and can't believe Domenica stood over her "with a smashed glass, screaming".

"Luckily we'll never be put in that situation again, because I don't typically hang out with trash that smash glasses," she tells Jackson. She laughs and calls Domenica a yapping chihuahua.

Oh yeah, this is going to be a ripper of a dinner party.

All the couples start arriving one by one - either together or apart - with the relationship experts spying on them from a cupboard and making unhelpful comments. 

We waste about 20 minutes watching people walk through the door and going over everything that has happened in the past few episodes, while dramatic music plays. Things only get exciting when Domenica walks in with Jack and everyone acts like they haven't seen them in decades. 

There are hugs and kisses all round. 

Glasses are gently topped up with wine. 

Genuine-ish looking smiles are shared. 

Then Domenica walks over to Olivia to say hello, and... Olivia walks away.

Every second word out of Olivia's mouth is "Dom", "trash", "glass", and "smash". The relationship experts watch in glee and pretend they have no idea what happened at the retreat. "Obviously something happened at the retreat," they say. NO S**T, SHERLOCK.

At the dinner table, it's quiet. Like, shockingly quiet. 

Everyone is stuffing their faces while pulling faces. No-one speaks.

"Wow," John Aiken says helpfully. "It's quiet, isn't it?"

Mr. Aiken. I just. Sit down.

Captain Obvious and his cohorts.  

Just when we think we will have a lovely dinner because everyone is shutting up, Matt ruins it all by standing up and making a very public apology to the group and to his wife.

As usual, Kate is very, very impressed.

Everyone accepts Matt's apology. "That was a GOOD APOLOGY," Olivia says, flicking her ponytail. 

Dom's eyes essentially leave their sockets. 

Kate is unmoved by Matt's public apology. She calmly eats her baby corn, saying, "It's been a while since I had baby corn. It is quite fun."

Dion is having as much fun as Kate and her tiny corn. So much so that he moves his chair to sit far away from his wife Carolina. "I'm not sure what Carolina wants from me," Dion tells us. Um, Dion. She wants NOTHING from you. That's the whole point. Please, for the love of god, stop trying with her.

At the other end of the table, Carolina and Domenica start bickering again with Olivia looking delighted... again. This is just the girls' dinner party 2.0. Will there be more yelling? Will there be another glass incident? Will Olivia make her 'Come At Me' face?

She almost made the face here but thought better of it.  

Olivia and Carolina start in on Domenica, bringing up the "non-apology" and the glassing incident for the millionth time.

"I'm sorry but I'm actually getting quite upset," Domenica says. 

"Hold your glasses, everyone," Carolina says. "Just take it away from Domenica. She might smash another one." 

From out of nowhere, actor Rob Schneider from Deuce Bigalow pipes up. Ah no, sorry, wait a minute. It's Dion.

Surely it isn't only me?  

"Guys... this is not how a group of adults should be acting," Schneider/Dion says. "This needs to stop right now and everybody in this room needs to take a good look at themselves and be the people that we are. Because this is getting out of control."

Only problem with that statement buddy, is that perhaps some people here, sat around this very table, are... awful.

Olivia apologises to Domenica for snide comments and immediately goes to Tamara and Sam to tell them she did not mean a word of her apology. 

"I wish I didn't apologise to Dom," she says in her piece to camera. "I regret that... I'll hate her for the rest of our lives to be honest. I think she's an awful person."

This is the moment John Aiken decides to slide in with another groundbreaking insight: "I don't know whether Olivia has the ability to be able to move on and let go of things."

That's it. I give up.

You can read the twin's previous recaps here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: A very 'horny' cheating scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts have had it with Carolina.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: The man who broke John Aiken.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: We have feedback about the cheating scandal.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 18: OK. So at this point people are just walking out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 17: Why are the experts... gaslighting the women?

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 16: A perfectly engineered cheating scandal. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 15: "You couldn't script this sh*t."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 14: We have feelings about the bride who ran three hours late.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: A burning question for Brent and Tamara.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 12: The most manipulative night we've seen on television. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Andrew needs to be stopped. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The couple that can't stop fighting about sex.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 9: The groom's decision that 'doesn't make any sense'.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A messed up conversation about race.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: Sir. You did not just talk about pegging. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: We need to talk about Selin. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your husband doesn't want to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."

Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.